Real Life Rudolph Entry 1 January 16, 2012

My crisis counselor told me I should start this journal so here goes... I have nose cancer. There it’s written down, but writing it out doesn’t seem to undermine cancers significance or lift its overwhelming heavy load off my fragile reindeer frame. Furthermore, who the hell gets nose cancer? I mean liver, lungs, pancreas, and kidneys I get, but nose cancer. Life sucks.

Real Life Rudolph Entry 2 February 5, 2012

Okay, so apparently the doctor thinks my nose might be irradiated. I guess he took some blood work and the radiation levels were off the chart. Here I thought the other reindeers wouldn’t let me play in their reindeer games because they were giant pricks, but I guess they were just avoiding my giant nose dripping radiation poison everywhere I went. I probably got poisoned after inhaling a massive dose while passing over the Chernobyl power plant in Russia during a routine present drop. There is nothing routine about cancer, however.

Real Life Rudolph Entry 3 February 30, 2012

The doctor started me on some new chemo drugs methotrex... and ritux... something or other. I can’t pronounce half of these meds and have no idea what they do other than make me extremely sick. Two of the medications have also stripped me of my body hair which is not all that appealing or enjoyable during these long cold winter nights up in the North Pole. Still, I don’t care, I just want this stupid cancer gone.

Real Life Rudolph Entry 4 March 26, 2012

Great, now my stupid cancer has metastasized to my bones. The aforementioned bone cancer has necessitated the use of a scooter which slides around everywhere I go and makes traveling around the North Pole an impossible and hellish endeavor.

Real Life Rudolph Entry 5 April 15, 2012

The doctor is far less optimistic than before. The irradiated cancer continues to spread and grow and now he wants to both remove my nose and do a bone marrow transplant. The surgery is scheduled in a couple weeks and I have no idea how I’m going to pay for it all. Who knew my nose so bright could make my life so dim.

Real Life Rudolph Entry 6 April 17, 2012

All the other reindeer have been really supportive. I wish I could say the same about Santa. That fat bastard dropped me from his health plan. He said I was getting too expensive and operational productivity within the North Pole has dwindled with less and less children believing in Santa, thus decreasing his magical powers. “I can’t fly the sleigh properly unless we purchase additional technology,” he moans. Meanwhile, he has appeared in at least a dozen commercials this week alone and anything with his fat fucking face slathered over it nets him some pretty sweet additional merchandising profits, so he can’t feed me some bullshit line about profit margins or magic and get away with it. What kind of an asshole does he think I am anyway?

Real Life Rudolph Entry 7 April 23, 2012

The other reindeer have started a candy cane fundraiser for my nose cancer entitled, ‘Nose Candy’. I expressed some serious reservations given the names association with a certain illicit drug, but surprisingly, we’ve already raised over three hundred thousand dollars and are well on our way to the full four hundred thousand dollars needed with only one more week to go, so who am I to complain. We probably could have raised more if we added eye candy to our nose candy like we originally planned, but apparently Vixen had other plans and is at some photo shoot for Reindeer Fancy magazine. She’s kind of a bitch.

Real Life Rudolph Entry 8 May 1, 2012

All right, surgery time! The doctors made me nothing by mouth last night which is fine by me since most of my food ends up on the floor or all over my bedsheets anyway. Intractable cancer nausea is the worst. The only problem with not being able to keep down food is all the additional blood i’ve had to donate from my own body. Apparently, there isn’t a lot of magical reindeer blood just lying around at your local hospital. On behalf of all magical reindeer brethren everywhere I’m going to petition my local government for more magical reindeer blood. I’m kind of a hero.

Real Life Rudolph Entry 9 May 3, 2012

The surgery was a success. Well, I guess I won’t know if it was fully a success until at least five or six days from now when I get all my test results back, but at least I’m not dead. In the meantime, I’ll lay here in my hospital bed sipping clear liquids and gulping down grass flavored jello as I amuse myself with crappy daytime television until the full results come back.

Real Life Rudolph Entry 10 May 9, 2012

Shit. Test results came back and they’re not good. Despite extremely complex surgeries and my aggressive chemo regimen, the cancer is still spreading and has now travelled into my brain. Given its aggressive nature and similar cases the doctor thinks I probably have three weeks to live even with treatment and hospice is already on my case. Looks like I’m going to be noseless and lifeless soon.

Real Life Rudolph Entry 11 May 12, 2012

One day back and that fat prick Santa is already attempting to replace me by retrofitting the sleigh and reindeer with LED lights. He doesn’t even have the decency to do it at night when I might be sleeping. It’s like he wants me to see him do it. Santa’s such a cock nozzle.

Real Life Rudolph Entry 12 June 1, 2012

I’ve become bed ridden. Tumors in my brain have pushed against my optic nerve and effected some of my higher motor functions. Because of this Dasher is now dictating for me which is probably weird, because Dasher is now dictating that Dasher is dictating for me as Dasher.

Real Life Rudolph Entry 13 July 15, 2012

Now the tumors in my brain have taken away my speech so I am communicating via telepathy to Donner, who is communicating to Dasher, who is dictating for me which is kind of ridiculous considering that I should really just communicate to Dasher directly via telepathy, but then this is the same guy who woke up with a giant glowing red nose and neglected to go to the doctors for nearly a hundred years, so what did you expect.

Real Life Rudolph Entry 14 August 20, 2012

I’ve exceeded everyone’s wildest expectations and have survived this stupid disease for more than a month. Wow, this depressing journal is really getting long. If anyone is still reading this by now then I am definitely impressed. Anyhoos, despite beating the odds I’m still not going to beat death and the crisis counselor says I’m supposed to go through the five stages of grief including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, but what does she know. On an unrelated note: cancer isn’t real.

Real Life Rudolph Entry 15 August 20th ten minutes later at 10:23 AM

Cancer isn’t real. The doctors and all the nursing staff keep telling me that it is and I’m just going through some weird form of denial, but what do they know. It’s not like they went to over fifteen years of higher education or anything. As far as I know they are all just quacks and I’m going to walk right out of here. Okay, this walking thing is kind of hard. Maybe cancer is real. Not walking sucks.

Real Life Rudolph Entry 16 August 20th ten seconds later, 10:23 plus ten seconds AM

I hate you cancer. I hate your cancer face and your stupid constant unnecessary spreading everywhere. You are worse than Santa! I hate you so much, I want to punch you right in your stupid ugly cancer face. Okay, wait, sorry cancer, I didn’t mean that, I’m just really angry. Please don’t retaliate by spreading through my remaining organs. I’ll do anything.

Real Life Rudolph Entry 17 August 20th one minute later 10:24 AM

Lord please take away my cancer. I know that I and my companions have stolen your birthday thunder for hundreds of thousands of years with our present bribery, but all I really want from Christmas is to not have cancer. I will give you anything. Take away my fame, my vast collection of wealth (at least by reindeer standards) and all my remaining health. I’ll attend reindeer mass every week and even take a vow of non magic or flying for you and you know how important flying and magic is for us North Pole reindeer.

Real Life Rudolph Entry 18 August 20th 10:25

I’m so depressed. Today is the darkest of darkest days in my dark and abysmal existence within this planet. ---- inconsolable crying intermission ---- Life is just an incessant and unending journey with disappointment its only end point. Why God why, why do you continually forsake me. Well, maybe life isn’t so bad and I have been top reindeer for many years. I feel fulfilled in life and feel a growing acceptance of my future fate. I accept my fate.

Real Life Rudolph Entry 19 August 20th 10:25

The Guiness Book of Records was passing by and I guess I’ll be getting an award for fastest completion of Kubler Ross’s five stages of grief in only one minute and fifteen seconds. I’m not sure how they measure authenticity with this, but I’m very excited to accept the award none the less. Also, is their records department next to their beer department or are they two separate entities. Either way, I am ready to accept my fate and am prepared to meet my maker, whether that be the Supreme Reindeer god or Father God All Mighty. Good bye cruel world! Ha, ha, cough, spurt, I’ve always wanted to say that...

Actual Rudolph, actual time, actual day, December 13, 2012

Thank God! I guess that whole thing was a dream. I just woke up thirty minutes ago and have been prancing around the North Pole ever since. To think that I would even write a death journal. It’s ridiculous, but could you imagine if someone was reading it. They would be super pissed if they got to this point. Still, I really should get this whole glowing nose thing checked out.

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