The goth subculture has pierced its way through the hearts and epidermis of our society since its emergence in the London music scene during the early eighties, but as other subcultures and popular influences have emerged it has become even harder for this group to distinguish themselves. Normally, a certain amount of cultural confusion is permissible but in this case confusion could find you swinging from the rafters of hell by your genitals as Pinhead and his fellow sadomasochistic Cenobytes go to town all over you. All you wanted was the latest shade of purple lipstick at Hot Topic, but somehow shiny leather pants and a momentary diversion with an antique puzzle box have landed you within the bowels of hell, which coincidentally looks a lot like Hot Topic. Pinhead and his minions seemed nice enough but so far the conversations have been very one sided and the hooks are really starting to chafe. If this is not a situation you desire to find yourself in, then I suggest you read on and learn the top five ways to distinguish between the goth subculture and Pinhead’s sadomasochistic Cenobytes.

#5 Actual Skin Color

You wake up in the morning and with the aide of your New Balances, drag your alabaster skin to the mirror, gaze at the sheer white reflection staring back at you and wonder, could I be goth? Rest assured, despite successfully perpetuating several racial stereotypes all at once, you are not goth. More than likely you are just really white brought upon by years of seclusion from sunlight or a long standing Scandinavian ancestry. For most of us a reasonable amount of blood flow provides an underlying pink base to help offset our white exteriors, however beneficial they may be at coordinating with white polo shirts or camouflaging us from polar bears as we engage in quintessentially caucasian sports such as golf and snowboarding, respectively. In order to achieve the shade of white popular among the goth subculture you need to take your whiteness to a whole new level which can only be provided by Maybeline and not mother nature. Unfortunately, pinhead and his minions are also this pale due to either the aforementioned death related lack of blood flow or some sort of hellish underworld conditioning. The only way you can really distinguish between the two is by attempting to brush it away with either a carefully directed stream of water or recently moistened finger tip. Since it involves getting pretty close to either pinhead or an actual goth person, this method lands itself at the bottom of our list. Bottom line, if the white color smears then you’re in the clear.

#4 Emotional Indifference Vs Extreme Violence

For most us witnessing human atrocity will strike an emotional cord at some point. This point of emotional response can range from witnessing the common office paper cut to witnessing cold blooded murder, but even the worst of our serial killers perpetrated their acts with the help of some underlying emotional attachment. John Wayne Gacy was inspired to commit his thirty plus murders through years of physical torment from his father and extreme shame of his homosexuality, Ed Gein through excessive love of his mother and even Jeffrey Dahmer’s crimes were merely the result of a strong, albeit very misguided desire for human companionship.

This is just as true for goths. Underneath the morose and chemical spattered exterior of every goth lies the still beating heart of a human being no matter how hard the media attempts to dissociate them from the rest of society. This is especially evident in a recently developed subculture often confused with goths, the emo culture. These wusses can also be found at hot topic as they snivel into the shirt sleeves of nearby friends who are also crying, either through the extreme genital discomfort associated with the use of skinny jeans or mutual despair apparently brought upon by a rich upper middle class existence, thus affording them the opportunity to purchase more skinny jeans perpetuating their never ending and unnecessary cycle of cutting and crying. As long as they reserve the cuts for their own wrists and the crying for their cronies, most of the rest of us couldn't care less.

For Goths emotion takes a turn for the depressive and brooding as crying is exchanged for ironic indifference and a life of solitude, but not violence (Think Edward and Bella from Twilight minus the Abercrombie). Violence is not a characteristic associated with the music or ideals of this particular subculture in any way despite the predominating popular opinion of the mass media. A large part of this opinion was propagated by the violent acts of a select few and the lack of understanding by a large majority. Pinhead on the other hand...

For pinhead, nothing can distract him from his business and business is bloody. He’s been Hellish overlord Leviathan’s number one go to guy for human torture and he’s not about to let something as petty as human emotion get in his way. This guy displays the same level of emotional detachment an accountant reserves for taxes every year while performing acts of human perversion exceeding even your wildest sadomasochistic dreams. Simply put a goth’s eyes are full of angst and depression, while Pinhead’s are empty orbs designed to direct him toward the next available torture. Some may argue against this citing both Hellraiser 2 and Hellraiser 3 in which we are introduced to Elliot Spencer, the original human who ultimately transformed into Pinhead after opening the gateway into hell with the puzzle box we all know and love, but throughout all versions of the film it is clear Elliot Spencer has little to no control over the dominating force that is pinhead, because as much as Elliot stopped him from unleashing the apocalypse in Hellraiser 3 the guy tries again in the very next movie. The most Elliot is able to do is kind of keep Pinhead from killing innocent victims in the last fifteen minutes of one movie. If you feel comfortable with this level of control then by all means invite the guy over for dinner. Just don’t be surprised if you’re the one served up on a platter.

#3 Body Modification vs Complete Body Mutilation

Although body modification can be found outside the lower levels of hell inside your local piercing or tattoo parlor you probably don’t want this guy in charge of your Prince Albert. For those of you unsure as to what a Prince Albert actually is, I’ll give you a hint: it involves your cock. So, unless you have a specialized toilet allowing you to piss out your dick in seven different directions without making a mess, I suggest you allow Pinhead to stick to poking the hell bound and not the hole bound. Still, goths are known for their body modifications, but most of these piercings are reserved for areas of the human body not necessary for basic human life. Case in point...

(Camera Head)

This cenobyte from Hellraiser 3 has a camera stuffed into the right side of his face and brain, replacing vital nerves and brain functions important for movement, actual sight, and breathing. Also in Hellraiser 3 take note of this guy...

(CD head)

Granted, if these guys put their heads together you have the makings of a pretty impressive portable home theater system...



#2 Music

There’s a reason Pinhead is called Pinhead and not Pianohead or Organman. He wants to stab human flesh with sharp objects, period (see above section on piercings). But if there is one thing goths are known for it is their music scene. Hell, it’s considered by many as the starting point of the whole damn goth movement after the term gothic was used to describe the band Joy Division’s distinct musical style. I’m pretty sure based on what I have learned so far that very few goths now would be caught listening to the band Joy Division as the whole scene seems to have drifted toward the metal side of things, but music is still paramount in defining the entire goth subculture. So, if you see someone with ipod earbuds then rest assured the worst you will be exposed to are some crappy ass bands as opposed to extreme methods of torture (Note: depending on the bands these two may be the same).

#1 Puzzles

Anyone spending hours playing Sudoku or Monopoly to find themselves in either a figurative prison of numbers or literal prison as their friends and some monocled douche bag gobble up every desirable piece of property has often wondered whether the game they were playing was somehow inspired by Satan. These thoughts can loom ever larger as you languish in prison with only your dick and Marvin Gardens to keep you company. Don’t worry, calm the hell down, and rest assured that other than an increased ability to complete mathematical equations and a deeper understanding of our current economic crisis and the joys of being in the 1% of society, no actual harm will come to you.

Although goths probably play games too (my votes on Parcheesi) none of these compare to Pinheads obsession with the tiny wooden box separating him from unwitting souls on the other side of hell. This box created by French toy maker, Paul Merchant (insert scathing French joke here) unleashed a doorway to hell puzzle enthusiasts and psychopaths the world over have tackled. Puzzles are this guys wet dream. Puzzles are the bane and bounty of his existence. Throughout the series it is the very thing both defining and destroying him.

(Get your own antique puzzle box and unleash all the powers of Hell for a measly $17.59 at Amazon.com)

Okay, prospective gother I hope you have learned something from this post and feel comfortable in your ability to separate these two entities before one of them separates you from your vital organs or the rest of humanity. I know you probably want to thank me by now for providing you with this wealth of information. So…

Your welcome!

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